


Let it go

by Kat182



Category: Shameless (US)
Genre: Angst, Feeling so sorry for Mick, M/M, One-Shot, thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-19
Updated: 2013-11-19
Packaged: 2018-01-02 01:48:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 812
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1051109
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kat182/pseuds/Kat182
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Terry forces Mickey to a choice: either he marries Svetlana, or Ian must die.<br/>And Mickey choose.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Let it go

**Author's Note:**

> This is just a One-Shot I've written thinking about the marriage, there are so much Mickey's sad thoughts.  
> I only hope you could like it.

_Pain_. Inside outside, but especially inside. Mickey felt pain everywhere. It had been a few days, but the pain was unabated: his face was bruised, his lip was split, he had an awful appearance. Terrible.  
Mickey laughed. Of himself, of his shitty life, and of all the mistakes he made.  
 _Terry had told him to choose, and he had done it without any hesitation: or he would have married the russian whore or Ian Gallagher had to die_.  
There wasn't _a middle point_. No other choices. And then Mickey had chosen wrong. In Ian's eyes would have been a betrayal, but it would keep him _alive_. This was the only thing that mattered, the only important.

Mickey laughed again. Ian would have died anyway, with or without the help of Terry Milkovich or Milkovich's gang fully prepared to take him out and to kill him. He would be blown up, and there wouldn't have been no corpse. Just exploded and disappeared from the world, as if he had never existed. Instead for Mickey he had existed and he had changed radically him.  
 _Ian was the only, first beautiful thing he'd ever had, except her sister Mandy_. Mickey wasn't ready to lose Ian, perhaps he would never have been.  
But he was ready to marry Svetlana, fuck with her, get her pregnant and prove to his father he can be a real man, if it would save Ian Gallagher's life, who in the future would have died anyway.  
Because he was a _real man_.

Whenever he thought about Ian's death, there was a huge hole that had opened up inside him. Mickey hated that hole. He hated death. He hated especially Ian. Because he was afraid. Mickey had never been afraid to die: his life was so lousy that death would be a positive note, but that was before Ian Gallagher entered his shitty life and bring him _something beautiful_ to remind.  
Before Ian, there was always only Mandy. If he would had died, he knew that at least she would cry for him, that they would have been real and sincere tears.  
At the end, he had arrived and Ian Gallagher had _shocked the heart, the body, the mind_ : green brilliant eyes, red hair, lots of freckles and a smile.  
It had been almost three years and he had grown up, he had grown taller, being stronger, and _whatever was between them it had become bigger and bigger_.  
Mickey was terrified. Now more than ever.

But he would marry the russian, his father would stop threatening him to slit his throat in his sleep or _kill Ian_. So Mikey would had been able to return to his life full of shit. Without Ian. _And, without him, everything would be easier_.  
He would find someone to fuck in case of need, but only to fuck, not a guy who try to fuck him. _Mickey fucked them, no one fuck him except the damn Firecrotch_.  
He closed his eyes and he thought about Ian, feeling so damn faggy and miserable.  
Everything would be as it should go.  
 _Ian would have hated him, he would never known the truth, and Mickey wanted him to, so he decided to let it go_.  
Mickey didn't deserve Ian. He was convinced. Ian deserved a better person, a better future. Everyone said to Ian he could find a better person than Mickey Milkovich, but Ian wanted him. He and no other. Mickey had always been the first Ian's choice.  
 _This person would have loved him like Mickey did? With all his damn soul?_

Mickey laughed again, so _fierce and desperate_ once again of himself and how pathetic he was.  
Mickey thought he knew everything, but he was _wrong_.  
He decided everything. Everything had been decided. In Mickey's head had made sense. He had, until he figured out _who_ he was going to lose.  
He would have lost Ian, who wasn't even ever really been his. He had never lived him totally.  
But Ian would find love. A better one. One perfect. One without pain. Mickey would have got for his shitty life, it would once again be the same.  
That was _fine_.

Mickey was crying without _tears_. He had tears stuck in the eyes, dark blue irises were sparkling.  
 _Mickey didn't laugh, not this time_. He ran a hand over his eyes, he felt so fag and so weak, but _it was the right thing to do_.  
Ian would have hated him. Mickey would marry Svetlana. Ian would fall in love again. Mickey would find a hole to fill with his dick, someone to fuck and where to pour the sperm.  
 _They all won_. Except Mickey.  
Mickey had never won. He didn't ever win.  
And there was nothing to laugh about, not anymore.  
He had lost. He decided to lose. For the last time. Mickey was ready to lose.


End file.
